SOUL MATES & TRUE LOVES

As someone who has spent nearly 3 decades with my partner, who I consider my “true love” and soulmate, I know for a fact that true love is as real as it is common. When someone says that they are looking for, or have found, their soul mate, what they are likely saying is that they’ve found someone to whom they feel so intimately, spiritually, and physically connected to, that the only explanation for having found such a “perfect” and complimentary partner is through some kind of divine or cosmic intervention. In other words, they and their romantic partner were meant to be, and that their relationship is a product of fate and/or destiny.

However, within this line of thinking, the implicit message is that we all only have a single soul mate; we only have one chance in life to meet that special someone, the person who “completes us.” I don’t believe that’s true all, not only because I believe we are all complete, whole, and enough as is, but also because I know in my heart that we all have multiple soul mates out there. Before meeting the amazing woman I’ve spent the last 28 years with, I had been in love with other women, some who I also consider my soul mates. Even though I’m no longer with them, our time spent together was deeply meaningful to me. They all helped me mature into the being I am today, and I still feel a connection to them; they still occupy a place within my heart.

Love, in my experience, is all around us. Soul mates and “true loves” are around every corner. But to experience true love with another, one must feel true love within. I don’t mean to imply that people should feel selfish or narcissistic. Quite the contrary! What I mean is that people need to first learn to truly respect themselves and their bodies, and care about their physical, emotional, and spiritual health (*according to their beliefs). There is an old saying I’ve learned that states, “people cannot hope to find true love with others, if they do not learn to first love themselves.”  

The concept of consummate love as an apt description of what true love is all about (Sternberg, 1986). The term consummate love is used to describe a combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment. While consummate love is considered to be the strongest and most enduring kind of love available, it’s not always easy to achieve. To reach this level of love with another, a person must dedicate a great deal of time and energy developing a deeper understanding of themselves, their values, and their emotional triggers.

Everyone needs to practice self-compassion, to forgive themselves for the mistakes they’ve made, and to forgive others for the harms they’ve caused – not for the benefit of the person who inflicted pain on others, but for the emotional and spiritual well-being of the being who was harmed.  When you do the work to heal your inner wounds around love, sex, and intimacy, you enhance your abilities to attract true love into your life. Not only do you begin to love others more deeply, you also become more skilled at recognizing expressions of true love from others. And most importantly, when you deeply love and respect yourself, you will no longer be able to tolerate others who treat you in unloving ways.